Truth or Dare: 4 ways to crack that debilitating fear

September 30th, 2014

I’m writing this post while driving down a Wyoming highway in an RV. I got invited to go to Yellowstone for a few days, and seeing as I’ve never traveled in an RV before nor have I ever been to Yellowstone, I said yes.

I’m traveling with 3 friends—one old friend, two relatively new. One rainy night in the RV we played “Truth,” which is the Truth half of Truth or Dare. We took turns asking and answering questions, piecing together the stories of our lives, diving into the heart of our shared humanity.

I was sad to have missed TEDx Boulder on Saturday night, which I’m sure was awesome,

but there’s not much that beats speaking the truth with friends in an RV in Yellowstone.

One of the questions that I got asked was “When was a time you were really afraid?”

I told the story of the time I found myself on the side of a cliff in The Olympic Mountains in Washington totally paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t go up and I couldn’t go down and I resigned myself to waiting there, hanging by my fingernails till the helicopters came to rescue me. (I did make it up, btw, without helicoptors…)

Then I decided I wanted to tell something more current, so I told the story of the fear I felt last week when preparing to give a talk at the Spiritual Women Leaders Equinox talks.

I was asked to speak about how I walk the edge.

So I figured it was only fair to walk the edge in my talk. I’ll share the talk here when I have access to it, but for now I’ll just say what I decided to speak about stretched me in big ways.

I woke up the morning of the event feeling seriously nauseous, wanting to vomit, wanting to call in sick, wanting to roll over and go back to bed, trying to figure out how I could maybe get out of it.

I can’t possibly make it tonight. I have an emergency dentist appointment. My dog ate my homework. Oh darn, car died, and look, I’m stuck in Denver. Oh well…

The tape that was running in my head sounded something like this: I’m making a horrible mistake. What was I thinking? I have no time to write another talk and this one is all wrong. What if they judge me? What if they roll their eyes and feel sorry for me? What if they say “Thank God I’m not her.”

We public speaking coaches aren’t exempt from those insidious voices. I felt like I was on the side of the rock cliff and I couldn’t go up and I couldn’t go down and I was barely hanging on by my fingernails. I didn’t have a helicopter to rescue me, but I did have access to my own coaching, so I coached myself to a place where I could USE the fear to access my power.

Here’s what I did:

1. I CRIED:

It’s true. I had a big fat cry first thing in the morning and I highly recommend it. I called a friend and told her everything my demons were telling me. She was able to hold space for that terrified part and listen well while I spoke all my fears. After a good cry, things looked a little different, and I realized, Oh right. I’m taking a risk here. This is what happens when you step out of your comfort zone. Of course that self-doubt demon is rearing its ugly head.

Your job is to find someone who won’t get confused, someone who knows your genius and who has the attention to listen to those voices without judging them or believing them. 

When it’s inside your head, it’s easier to hang on to that stuff. When you speak it, it takes away some of the power and frees up space in your brain to be able to see what’s really true.

2. I WARMED UP:

I had this idea that between sound check and the event, I was going to run out and buy a new outfit and get a haircut. Ha! Thankfully I re-assessed the situation and decided my hair was fine and my outfit was awesome so I lay on the floor in the green room and did a full physical and vocal warm-up.

This is absolutely crucial. Your voice is the expression of your human truth, and your voice lives in your body, so taking the time to get both of them awake, connected and available means you can re-deposit the fear and nerves into your voice and your body and turn it into Powerful Presence and Authentic Connection.

3. I BREATHED:

While connecting with audience members at the pre-talk networking event, and sitting in the chair listening to the other speakers, and standing backstage the moments before I went on, I breathed. Deep into my belly. With each inhale I scooped up the nervousness banging around my belly and let it go with each exhale. Plain and simple.

When we’re nervous our breath gets shallow, and then there’s no support for the voice when it’s time to speak. Because I brought attention to my breath long before it was my turn to speak, it was there for me when I took the stage.

4. I SMILED and remembered why I do this:

I smiled not a fake smile to cover up the nerves, but a smile to connect me with my joy that is underneath the fear.

I remembered the gratitude I have felt for people I have encountered who have spoken their truth and shared something that made a huge difference to me.

I considered the ripple that happens, how when one person speaks it creates a space for another to speak.

I found a place in my heart where I really believe this.

I slowly unhinged my fingernails and toes from gripping the side of the rock cliff, realized I don’t need a helicopter to rescue me, and then I stepped onto the stage and gave my talk.

And guess what?! I had fun!

I felt connected and relaxed. I was with the audience.

I hit a few memory gaps, but I stayed connected and kept going.

Afterwards, I got great feedback. People said “Me too” and “Thanks for saying that” and “You’ve inspired me to get up and tell my story.”

So if you’re thinking of getting out there and speaking…

Think no more and DO IT!
The time is now.

And in the meantime, how about you? What would take you out of your comfort zone? What’ll it take for you to take that risk? As a first step, tell us about it in the comments below.